i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
