hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize