I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
