i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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