i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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