When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
