I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
