I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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