I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
