I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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