i already hear my dad disowning me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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