She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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