im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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