Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
