I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
