Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
