Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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