I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize