My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We had sex on a dog bed..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
