Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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