2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
