Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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