I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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