he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
