so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
