Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
