i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
