last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
