How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
