Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
