You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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