i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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