How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
