Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
