I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
there was a trapeze. enough said
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize