sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
