So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
