Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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