I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize