Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
