that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
