Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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