I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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