my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
