the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
