Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A+ Viking dick
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
