The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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