how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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