apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
