hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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