The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
