Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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