Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
