I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize