this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
